It wasn’t meant to be…
I’m okay with this. I thought I would feel worse, but surprisingly, I’m fine.
I found love. Now it’s gone. But I’m happy with what we had. I love him so much that I have to support any decision we make. Especially when it comes down to traveling and searching. I’m living the dream that he’s trying so desperately to have.
“It wasn’t meant to be…” I always liked that saying, it’s comforting.
I may forget the things we’ve done together, or forget what we said to each other, but I will never forget how he made me feel.
Shanghai, third impression.
So Shanghai…it’s alright. Everyday so far I’ve been going out to bars, shows, clubs, plays, or other music events. I’m exhausted!
Shanghai is so big that there are tons of events going on everyday day. So, I’ve been all over the place. I haven’t started working yet, I still want more lazy time. But I have found a few organizations to do volunteer work, working with children.
I’m living with my brother near Nanjing road, very close to the Bund and space needle thingy. My room is small, but hey…it’s got a bed and that’s all I need.
So far, I’m enjoying myself here, however I’m already annoyed by the city people here. China has no respect at all for each other; it’s survival of the fittest. People just push others out of their way without saying a simple ‘excuse me.’ (I’m sorry, but I need and demand respect wherever I’ll live). Also, the pretentious self-centered people…there’s a reason why I won’t go back to Los Angeles! I’ve met some people that were very painful to speak to, one Asian-american girl said to me ‘I only hang out with the trendiest and coolest people.’ ok good for her, now fuck off. Or the wannabe hipsters, old perverted white men, the ‘high class’ Asians looking down on me for not wearing heels in a club. You know what this means? I’m not ready to live in a CITY city. I need to go to a village or island! I’m afraid I’ll hate it here in 2 weeks. 
I’m just being a hater now.
BUT! I have met a lot of cool expats. My brother’s friends and co-workers are really friendly. I’ve met at least twenty people each night when I go out, it’s astonishing on how big the expat community is here than Hanoi. I also found a street full of bars and lounges, I’m definitely going to be hanging in that area!
Dreams from my grandmother
My grandmother wrote a book about her dreams before becoming a monk. In her dreams were obvious signs to fully devote to Buddhism. I will post my favorite ones.
Translated by my mother.
Dream one:
In a deep sleep, she found herself walking on a street. Seven young boys ran to her for help but they couldn’t speak, and she didn’t know how to help them.
In real life, the next day she was walking in town. An old man was selling something in a box, she looked in and saw seven baby turtles. She bought all of them and set them free.
Dream two:
She dreamt an army of soldiers visiting her house. She could tell that they were ghosts, they looked injured, sick, but kind of cheerful. A chubby man that seemed like the captain went up to her and said “Thank you for inviting us to your house, we had a great dinner, it was delicious!” she said in return “I didn’t invite you to my house! What are you talking about?” He and the rest of the soldiers smiled and walked away in the wind.
She woke up confused, not understanding the dream. She then remembered posting a sign the day before “Please bring our soldiers back home safely!” It was during WWII in east Asia.
Dream three:
At this time, my mom was a child and remembered this incident.
My grandmother was taking a nap. She heard someone yell for her from the front yard “Hey! It’s your uncle outside! Come and see him!” My grandmother woke up and went out the front door to the yard. No one was outside but the family’s dog. The dog was actually giving birth to puppies, my grandmother saw four dead and one alive. In a few months, that puppy never liked going outside, it always slept or sat by the prayer room door. The only time it would move was if it had to eat or poop. The family wondered why the puppy would never move and it seemed that it would get excited whenever my grandmother would go in the room and chant.
One day, my grandmother had a weird thought and went for it. She walked right up to the puppy, kneeled down to its head and asked “Are you my uncle? If yes, nod up and down. If not, shake your head.” The dog nodded up and down.
(my mom and I are laughing out loud at this part)
She accepted it and told no one. She attended a ritual out of town for a couple of days. When she slept, she dreamt of the puppy yelling “Help me! Help me!” and that was the end.
She went back home and noticed the puppy was missing. She asked everyone where it went and nobody knew where it was, they think it ran away. But she thinks that someone may have stolen her puppy.
(Dog is a delicacy dish in Taiwan)
Dream four:
My grandmother was practicing with a friend. Her friend told my grandmother that there was going to be a ritual very soon with a well-known Master. That evening my grandmother dreamt of going to the ritual, the Master told everyone “I have a lot of pies here to give, whoever with the most spirituality, gets the pies.” She thought she wouldn’t get the pies because she was new, but then the Master said her name and she recieved all the pies. End of dream.
The Master became her true master and she learned from him for many years. One day, she found out he died. She was surprised and couldn’t believe it, she just had dinner with him the night before.
She started learning from another Master. She was chanting in a prayer with her Master, who was sitting away from her. She started to fall asleep while chanting. She then felt someone nudge her side and whispering in her ear “Hey! Wake up! Don’t stop.” She opened her eyes and saw no one next to her, just her and her Master were in the room. She felt as though the voice belonged to her old Master, watching over her.
some spirituality
My grandma left Taiwan when my mother moved to California when she was twenty one years old. My grandma sold everything she owned and built her own monastery in Jiujang, Jang-xi province. I met up with my mom to visit my grandma, it’s been eight years since my last visit at the temple.
Within the monastery, it consists several prayer rooms, two towers, a turtle pond, huge vegetable and fruit gardens, and a few courtyards. My grandma built a small guesthouse on top of a hill on her property. My mom and I lived on the hill and I must say, it was nice cause it was brand new and had a beautiful courtyard and garden with a view of the Lushan mountain. I spent everyday all day reading on my kindle, eating Buddhist vegetarian food, and following random trails up hills and around the village.
I attended a prayer session with my grandma and the monks. I woke up at 3:00 am and we started our ceremony shortly after. My mom and I put on brown cloaks and followed a monk to one of the prayer rooms. We waited for the master, my grandma, to show up and we could begin the ceremony. My mom and I heard loud stomping coming up the stairs and we knew it was her, we all remained quiet until the master’s first move…
One of the monks banged on a pot that made a gong sound, another monk hit a block of wood with a padded stick, and another monk clinged two cyms together. Everyone started chanting and then the Master bowed, my mom and I immediately copied her. (We had to follow everything the Master did). My mom and I were standing and had to get onto our knees and bow down, touching our foreheads onto an ottoman, then stand back up again. We had to bow like this every 3-4 seconds for 15-20 minutes. After a fazillion bows, I felt light-headed and decided to sit on my heels, and bow from there, which was allowed. Then my knees started to ache after a while and stood back up again, so it was a rotation of bowing from standing or kneeling. I slightly moved my eyes to the left to look at my mom and she was totally cheating! She would either keep her head down the entire time without getting up, sat on the ottoman like it was a stool, or stood back or sat on the bench cause she knew no one would turn around and check on her. Ugh…I was determined to do it right!
We then followed Master to the Buddha statue and placed burnt incense sticks into the urn of ash. My mom and I had no idea what we were doing, many times her and I bumped into each other, confused, on which direction to go. Afterwards, we did more bowing and then followed all the monks in a specific formation around the Buddha, clock-wise. We went around several times going in different formations around the room, then followed them into another prayer room to burn more incense sticks, then went back to the main prayer room to bow again. A special monk chanted a letter written by the Master, she chanted my Chinese name – Wong Han Ling – and wished the Buddha to give me long life, good health, love, and luck. I endured two hours of non-stop bowing and sniffing burning incense up my nose. I felt refreshed and went straight back to my room and sleep!
Julie Vola’s Blog
My friend Julie whom I met in Hanoi, is doing an art project where she collects stories from Vietnamese locals and foreigners. She then takes a photo of the story-teller and where the story is based. I shared my story to her nearly two years ago and she had just finished her project, and posted my story. Nostalgia.
Her blog:
Shangri La
I’ve always wanted to visit Shangri La for several years now, after watching a special on Discovery (or NatGeo?) I wish I had a week (or warmer clothes) to stay here, so then I could live in a homestay near the border of Tibet.
Shangri La means ‘sun and moon in heart,’ in Tibetan. There are not many villages that still cling to the Tibetan culture. Sadly, it doesn’t feel Tibetan to me. I think I came 10 years too late. There are many Chinese tourists and Chinese locals running stores and guesthouses here. Rarely I could hear someone speaking Tibetan. Most stores do sell Tibetan products such as yak fur, yarn, bags, and ethnic jewelry. The old town feels very touristy, but not that bad. I came right when winter ended so it isn’t high season yet. However, the people here are very nice and helpful.
Folk dancing in the town square
I found out that it is my third year away from home. Haven’t visited America once! I’m glad it’s in a place where I wanted to be. On a mountain, just me. That’s exactly what I did today. I woke up early and went around the Old Town. I ran into a couple travelers I met in Dali and we went to Songzanlin monastery, which is like a mini Potala Palace in Lhasa. Afterwards, they had a bus back into Lijiang and I went for a stroll up the hill to Baiji Temple. It had a great view of Shangri La, a slight glimpse of the Snow Meili Mountain, and tons of prayer flags. I must say I had a hard time climbing steps, I had to stop every 10 steps to breathe. Shangri La is over 3,000 meters high, the air is very thin. Finally, I got to the top and the view was spectacular.
Songzanlin Monastery
Baiji Temple view
Third year self-portrait
Dali Days and The Leaping Tiger
Haven’t seen a tiger yet, nor a panda. But I did eat a yak.
Dali is a really nice and chill small old town. I’m not sure I would live here though, it’s a good place to escape to from a city. Courtney and I hiked up to some mountain, I forgot the name. It was refreshing to breathe clean air and hear absolutely nothing but the wind. We went back into town to grab a snack. We found a little stall that had steamed dumplings, oh my god…tasted so good. I almost forgot how delicious dumplings were!
Dali Mountain
Yesterday I spent the entire afternoon at a cafe on the lake. I had time to catch up on reading, upload photos, and respond to emails. That evening was also my last night in Dali. For dinner I ate yak steak with fried mushrooms at a Tibetan restaurant, first big meal I had since arriving in China. The steak was really good, but I think that will be the last red meat meal I’ll have in a while. I can give up red meat, easily. (Bacon would be tough to sacrifice). I’ll be visiting my grandmother’s temple soon and I know it’ll be vegetarian dishes all the time. Not saying it’s bad or torturous, it tasted good the last time I was there. Might as well put on a few pounds and protien for the upcoming physical activities.
After dinner we went to a bar where Scott’s friend was DJing. The bar was called the Bad Monkey, it had hookas, cheap drinks, and weird people. I had a little boogie however didn’t stay out too late. I wasn’t in Yunnan to party. I partied enough during my last few weeks in Hanoi!
I left the next morning to the Tiger Leaping Gorge. My intention was to TREK to the gorge. I prepared myself to hike with my Vans, saved clean socks, only bring a toothbrush, face towel, a pair of undies, camera, and wear the same clothes for 2-3 days. I thought the bus would drop me off at the bottom of the mountain and then I’d begin the strenuous hike. I got off the bus at a random town and I didn’t know if I was near or around the gorge. (I don’t travel with a guidebook or map). A taxi driver said I was in a town at the end of the gorge and he could take me to a guesthouse (I wanted to leave my big backpack at a guesthouse anyway), so after 20 minutes driving to the guesthouse, I noticed that we were driving through an enormous gorge. I thought to myself whoa…this is amazing…wait a minute. WTF?! The taxi driver drove me through the gorge! I was already there! Too late to tell the driver to take me back around the gorge so I could hike. Uh yeah, no epic hike and victory beer at the end for me. (I was daydreaming about doing a victory dance when I got to the gorge). I could hike backwards but where’s the motivation? I should have done some research, oh well…it’s nice here, I have more time to visit other places 
Tiger Leaping Gorge
Tonight is Shangri-La! What I have been waiting for…for a long time.
Last night in Hanoi – First day in China
Last night in Hanoi was great and eventful. I had bo nuong (bbq beef) for dinner with Vikki, Dave, Kim, Robin, Dean, and Quang. To my surprise, brother John walked in…I cried a bit. I thought I would never see John ever again. After dinner we had a couple cups at Bia Hoi Corner and headed to HRC for Northern Exposure 3, a concert.
There were a lot of people when we arrived and we were ready to get our drink on. After a couple of beers, rum/cokes, and tequila…Zamina (african/reggae band) started to play. I’ve known the Zamina band members during my early days in Hanoi and their music always makes you wanna dance. After a few songs, one of the singers Jude called me up on stage! I got up all shy and embarrassed, and as soon as the music started, I busted a move. They called me up on stage twice to shake my booty and to wish me Goodbye. After the show, we went to George’s to eat. Most of my close friends came and we continued to drink there.
speech time
Went home after eating, woke up early on Sunday to get our moving and packing done. I was a bit of a crybaby when I left Vikki and Glen, those bitches are my girls. Then my brother Quang took me to the train station by motorbike. Adventure began.
Arrived near the border at 5am and I waited at the border office for a couple hours for it to open. Crossing over was very quick and easy. After 5 steps coming out of the Chinese entrance, there were people asking me where I wanted to go. I have not spoken Chinese in three years, the first language that comes into my brain is Vietnamese. I honestly think that I speak Vietnamese better than Chinese. So, when speaking to these taxi drivers, my lingo was VietChinglish. But after being on a bus for 8 hours and listening to locals around me, I got better and better. I need to get used to hearing it and it’ll improve my Chinese.
I finally arrived in Dali, Yunnan around 11pm. My journey took 27 hours. It wasn’t that bad! I slept well on the train and the buses were comfortable and spacious. My friend Scott (American) lives in Dali, he had some beer and gourmet bread waiting for me. He’s a singer-songwriter/poet. All he does in Dali is write, make music, and sing in other cities of China. He met another traveller singer, Courtney (Canadian- www.CourtneyWing.com) and we’re staying in the house together, and travel around Dali.
my crib in Dali
beef wonton soup
The weather here is fucking awesome compared to Hanoi. It’s a bit chilly, but the the sun is out, and I can actually see blue sky! I can see high mountains from my window which is screaming at me to be climbed on.
Anyways, I’ll try to upload more photos. Connecting to Facebook, Youtube, and my WordPress website is a total bitch.
Dear Hanoi
Thank you so much for these past two years. I can’t ask for anything more, what I had was perfect. I had the greatest friends, I had fun jobs, lived in a bombass house, and meeting my love.
You have given me many opportunities and experiences: Volunteering and working for East Meets West- supporting disabled people in Vietnam, added projects to my graphic design portfolio, woke up everyday at 11:30am, taught English to wild Vietnamese kids, traveled all over northern Vietnam and neighboring countries, saved money, and had a good social life. There’s no way I can have anything like that in America. Soooo, why am I leaving? Cause I got the itch, even though it’s a fun life, it got repetitive, and I like change. I need new challenges, I miss traveling, and I don’t want to work!
One-way train ticket to China is booked and am excited. This is the third part of my adventure and ready for what will come. I will go to Lao Cai first, cross the border and take a bus to Yunnan, there I will meet my friend Scott, whom I met during my first few months in Hanoi. Then I’ll visit my grandmother, my mom will also be visiting, then shoot up to Shanghai to teach English with my brother for a couple months. Hopefully I’ll like Shanghai this time knowing that I’ll be working and living there.
My going away party was lovely, it wasn’t wild and crazy, but it was better that way. My main drinking buddy Vaughan (you know him) DJ’d for me and my buddy Stevo (you know him too) lent me his speakers. The people that meant the most to me were there and there were a lot of people that I wished I had more time to get to know. Sadly, I had food poisoning that evening (I forgive you). Luckily, it didn’t hit me until I came home after a boogie at Phuc Tan.
My friends gathered a gift for me that made me cry! A Tattoo Fund, so I will always look at my tattoo and remember my friends. There was an extra card where people wrote messages on, I waited to read that card the next day because I knew I was gonna cry, and I so did.
Shoutout to Vikki and Glen: My god! We had some major good ass times. Non-stop laughing and constant teasing. Cuc Phuong madness to Nha Nghi night. Beeping horns and Yo Mama jokes. Chicken wings nights to Tree house lunches. New Years in Thailand and Thanksgiving in Hoi An. Gossiping and talking about our embarrassing moments in Hanoi. I’m sad that I haven’t sent a text message to either of you “Girl, this shit is BIG.” Here are some more last words which I think only Vik and Glen could understand: Tomat-ho, I want some Udon – no bun shit, Inner peace – it’s in my pants!, Ca-caw!, LUV (crossing arms), Back it up dance move, Mmm-Kaay, (Half face shown) “Oh…uh…hi.” (shuts the door), What the hell is in Abu-fuckin-dabi?!, I’m gonna kick your patootie!, Latte/Chocolate Milk/Pink Lemonade, Pea head, shieeet…ah dunnooooo, Naughty folder, someone feeling Tony’s boxers if they were dry, baggy trouser dance move, shower head?, Kung Fu Panda 2, upside-down beetle?, and me misunderstanding people’s words. Love you Bell-end and Banal! It’ll be hard to find new biatches.
Once again, thank you and I’ll try my best to visit.
Love,
Stephanie Wang
